Intro
This page is about the Greek Gods and Myths, hence the title. The Greek gods are nothing like your usual ones. They lie, cheat, prank and steal amonst themselves and they often seduce humans and kills/curses them at will. That's why I like them. Here's how the story begins. Ahem...

Once upon a time, the son of Uranus (it means heaven, btw), called Cronus (something or other) thought (something he doesn't do very often), 'if i kill my father, then i'll be the ruler of the gods! Cool!' so he killed his father with his huge scyth. His mother, Gaia (mother earth), was angry, and she made a prophesy saying that Cronus's children shall kill him. Since Gaia never lies, Cronus thought again (if he keeps on doing that, his brain will fuse, that is if he had any in the first place), 'well i'd better make sure i don't have any children who lived.'

Soon his wife was pragnent. He asked the wife to bring the baby to him, which she did, and swallowed the baby whole. He burped, and said, "It needed more salt."

His wife replied, "Cronus, i knew you'd eat anything but this is rediculous."

Cronus went, "Meh."

Soon his wife was pragnent again, and again, and again, and again...until another 5 babies were born, which Cronus ate with all kinds of spices. His wife was beginning to get angry.

So when she had another baby, she hid him (it was Zeus) and wrapped a rock in a blankie and gave it to Cronus. The evil god swallowed it and burped again. But he then he got indigestion and threw up all the babies he ate. And boy, were the baby gods angry.

Cronus's wife smirked and said, "I told you that you can't digest everything."

So children, this is the tale of how the gods were born. A war followed this event between the Cronus's army, and the baby gods who grew into adults in about *author gets out calculator and punches in numbers* about 5 minutes. The cool smart new gods against the boring old stupid gods. Guess who won?

If you guessed the new set of gods, you are correct. *sarcasically* you are sooo smart! I wish i were like you.

If you guessed the old gods, the you are just...um...how should i put this so i don't hurt your feelings...*cough*stupid*cough*

The Iliad
The Iliad is the story of the Trojan War. The story started when the "Discord" threw a golden apple in front of three goddesses at a party which she was not invited to. On the apple, it said, 'To the Fairest' (In case you didn't know, kids, it means the most beautiful). The Goddesses fought over it and finally decided to let a mortal man decide who should get the apple.

The man was Paris, a prince who was cast out of Troy at birth because of a prophesy. The three goddesses came onto him and offered him different things. Hera offered him riches and power. Athena offered him the notion of not losing any battle he fights. And Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful woman in the world as wife.

The most beautiful woman in the world was Helen of Troy, who was the half daughter of Zeus. She was also married to the King of Sparta. Paris steals Helen and brings her to Troy, where his parents recieved him with open arms. The Spartans called on her allies to get Helen back. So they went and fought 10 years of war. These are a few events:

Thousands of ships lauched onto Troy and they started fighting.
Plague comes onto the Greeks (People fighting against Troy)
Archillis argues with Agammenon and refuses to fight for them anymore (no, he didn't fight against them. He just watched their soilders die while doing nothing)
People die
Archillis' friends gets killed by Hector, a prince of Troy and the best fighter.
Archillis starts a killing spree and kills all Trojans in the battle field, along with Hector.
More people die
Paris shoots Archillis and Archillis dies.
Even more people die.
Oddyseus comes up with the idea of the Trojan Horse. The Trojans get killed, Helen is returned to Menelaus, and everyone live happily ever after. Except the Trojans, who are about six feet under.

To read a funnier, more detailed version, click here